


Early Morning Lessons

by Dangerously_Demonic



Series: The Legacy of Darth Letum [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst and Feels, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Fluff and Angst, Gave him anxiety you did, Gen, Kicked puppy Ben Solo, Ruined a perfectly good character, Semi-major spoilers, Slow down there satan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 06:57:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangerously_Demonic/pseuds/Dangerously_Demonic
Summary: While Ben Solo has renounced the name of Kylo Ren, he's still chased by the demons and shadows of his past. The morning after a particularly traumatic nightmare leads to an important lesson.Post Ep VIII AU; semi-major spoilers.





	Early Morning Lessons

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing with the shipper trash thing. I enjoy punching my friend in the feels.

Ben woke up still drained from the nightmare and resulting panic attack, then immediately felt confused by the sensations around him. Normally, he slept on his side with his back pressed against the wall so that anything that came through the door would be at his front. It was a habit he picked up when Luke had attempted to kill him as a teen. He sleepily blinked at the wall in front of him; he was on his side, yes, but there was something alive behind him. Not only that, but he could also smell a faint earthy citrus scent that he had long since associated with Clayton, but to his knowledge, he hadn't stolen any of the elder force user's blankets. Then there was the brief, panicked realization that his limbs were somewhat constricted.

It took him a moment to realize he was clinging to Clayton's arm and the other man's tail had snaked around one of his legs. Obviously, his nightmare was bad enough that he had woken Clayton up and the man had come to pull him out of his panic. Immediately, he felt guilt and anger at himself for the blatant weakness. Before his mind could launch into a dangerous cycle of self-deprecation, his leg was squeeze by the tail and there was a soft, but sleepy word from behind him.

"Quit."

It still terrified Ben to be around someone who could see into his mind and emotions easier than Snoke. He had been able to hide his motivations, to a degree, from his old master. Any attempts to do that with Clayton had been met with failure. And yet...The man had seen everything about him, had more than enough knowledge to easily break him...Physically and emotionally...But...It had never been used against him.

It baffled him. Clayton clearly knew what his nightmares were since he was able to help him through them with more clarity than anyone should, but he always waited for Ben to bring them up. He never forced the issue. The only time his mind was used against him, if it could even be called that, was when Ben was launching into a dangerous downward spiral emotionally. Only then did Clayton step in to stop it. It was baffling, comforting, yet maddeningly terrifying. Logically, he knew that Clayton was trying to help him. But emotionally, he couldn’t help but wait in muted terror for the man to snap, to use the force to inflict injuries with no marks, to worm inside his head and ri—There was another squeeze to his leg.

"I said stop, Jawa."

Ben tensed at the reprimand, at the perceived edge to Clayton's voice, one that actually wasn’t there. Unwanted memories of punishments delivered by Snoke began to bubble up in his mind. Then, there was the sound of the man behind him sighing and he could practically hear Clayton rolling his eyes. 

"I think there's an important lesson you need to be taught today." Slowly, Clayton untangled himself while Ben laid there, trying to quell the alarms in his mind. Prior to his arrival here, Ben had been unpredictable, or rather, Kylo Ren, had been. Since he had started to step off that path, he had become a creature of habit. It brought him stability. Never did Clayton have a lesson after Ben had a bad night. It had always been a day where he was allowed to do what he wished, usually tinkering with spare mechanical parts.

Ben laid there for a while longer, unwilling to face whatever training might be in store for him. While Clayton had never intentionally harmed him (and the few accidents had been met with swift apology and fussing over injuries), there was still the underlying fear of what may still happen. The earlier usage of the Jawa nickname had suggested that Clayton wasn’t upset. It simply meant that his master knew how his mind was churning over thoughts. The nickname had been applied early on when the older man had sarcastically commented that Ben’s mind was similar to a Jawa who’d drank six pots of coffee. While the memory usually brought him amusement, it did nothing to stop the tight feeling of anxiety in his stomach.

He continued to lay there, bundled up in blankets while he listened to the sound of Clayton working on breakfast. However, the unhappy grumble his stomach made upon the smell of breakfast creeping into his room finally coaxed him from the safety of his bed. With wary steps, he skulked into the kitchen and slid into a chair. He let out a silent but shaky breath, then immediately scolded himself for how he was acting. This was weak, he was better than this! A sound in front of him caused him to glance up.

Clayton's back was to him and Ben eyed his master's tail out of habit. He had surmised that the appendage's movements correlated with the man's mood and emotional state, but he had yet to figure out any pattern. The only thing he had learned was that fast movements were bad and slow movements were good. Presently, Clayton's tail was mostly still with the occasional lazy swish as he moved. Ben guessed something neutral, or maybe thinking. A dangerous assumption, he knew.

He quietly pulled the plate towards him when it was placed in front of him and started eating while Clayton perched himself on a stool. Initially, he had been baffled by how the man tended to sit, but realized that the anatomy of his legs and tail made it difficult, even painful to sit as a normal humanoid would. It was one of the many oddities he had gotten used to.

Once breakfast was over and the dishes cleaned, he went to pull on his boots. Immediately, he fisted his hand when he saw the subtle tremble to his fingers, a sharp feeling of anger stabbed in the back of his mind. An old memory bubbled up, one where he had been flung into a wall by Snoke while the being had snarled about how Kylo, Ben, had been weak. Almost instantaneously, he felt the building anxiety rise up into his chest. Between his still healing ribs and the sudden tightness, it was difficult to breath. 

"Come on, Jawa. Time to go." Ben mentally grimaced and quickly pulled on his boots. While Clayton could be exceedingly patient at times, he tended to get annoyed if he had to repeat himself more than twice.

Almost immediately after they had left the house, Clayton adopted a quick pace...At least it was quick for Ben. Normally, Clayton's movements were lazy and slow, allowing Ben to walk beside him at a fast walk. He'd learned early on that the force user's natural stride was lengthy and loping. This meant that he nearly had to jog to keep up with Clayton when his master walked at his natural pace. This wasn’t a pace that Clayton normally used and it meant that the man had a specific place in mind. Unfortunately, it gave his mind plenty of time to run through worst case scenarios and distracted him to the point that he nearly tripped over Clayton's tail when the other abruptly stopped.

Clayton only gave him an amused look and just shook his head. They were in a meadow, of sorts...A clearing in the otherwise dense jungle. Around them were flowering bushes, stretched up to reach the rare open canopy. The blue grass with red veining swayed slightly in the weak breeze. Gently, Clayton gestured to Ben to sit. Uncertain of what was to come, Ben sat down cross legged, long since used to meditation exercises, but he was a bit surprised when Clayton sat across from him.

Usually, Clayton perched himself somewhere or remained standing. After a moment, his master produced a strip of fabric and held it out to him.

"Tie it over your eyes." Ben's heart suddenly felt like it was about to explode in his chest, but he took the fabric. His hands noticeably shook and it caused a flare up of anger. Clayton ignored this.

"The meadow is bright, and I want you to be able to concentrate."

With some fumbling, he tied the fabric around his head and made sure it's snug over his eyes. It obscured his vision, but he was still able to see light bleeding through.

"Close your eyes, breath, and reach out to touch the force."

Ben hesitated for a long few minutes before doing as instructed. The force felt as if it was swirling around them, and it was centered around Clayton.

"What do you see?"

Ben was quiet a moment, not entirely sure how to word what he felt. "You. The force just...Pools around you. You're an anchor."

Quite suddenly, things changed, and he saw snippets of things that were. The words tumbled out of his mouth without the usual filter he would have in this situation. "You're a respected leader, soldiers gladly follow you to their deaths, but you spend hours a day writing condolence letters to families. You're rage, you're peace. You...Walk the line between life and death. I see spirits of the long dead speaking wis--"

He's suddenly cut off by Clayton sharply saying his name and the fear of being hit surged up unwillingly. Clayton seemed to realize this and sighed softly, then repeated Ben’s name softer and less harshly.

"I didn't bring you here to examine me through the force." Abruptly his master's force presence vanished, leaving little more than a ripple.

"Since my force presence was being an immense distraction, I've hidden myself. Now. Focus on the world around you, and tell me what you see."

Feeling confused, Ben did what he was instructed to do. After a moment he almost wanted to recoil from the overwhelming sensation of light that came from the world around him.

"Light and purity. It's...Smothering."

Clayton made an affirmative noise.

"Worlds exist that are focal points of light or dark. This immense one sidedness is helpful in hiding force users of the opposite spectrum. Before I hid myself, it felt balanced, right?" 

Ben agreed quietly.

"You are a focal point between light and dark. Embrace both, allow them to be in balance. Acknowledge the bad that has happened, but also embrace the good."

This information went against everything Ben has been taught and the words stunk of Jedi teachings. Much like an animal faced with something threatening, his hackles raised at the thought...Yet he felt a subtle tugging. It felt like a small dot of salve on a painful wound.

"The lesson today is that the force is not only a tool of destruction, but also one of healing. Pull the force around you. What does it feel like?"

Ben hesitated, but for the moment his earlier anxieties were forgotten. He was curious because this was something he hasn’t really been taught. Tentatively, he reached out and pulled the force around him. He was shocked at the suddenness of it wrapping around him, not used to the force reacting with such swiftness.

It settled around him snuggly, warmly, "Safe. I-it's safe. Like a fuzzy blanket."

He wasn’t even able to hide the surprise in his voice. Likely, Clayton was able to feel it so it didn’t matter anyway. Slowly, he felt himself relax, the remaining anxieties melted away like ice during a spring time thaw.

"The light side and dark side exist, but to choose one exclusively over the other is flawed. Use the dark for when you must battle and bring destruction. Use the light when you are a leader and are healing. In time, you'll learn to combine the two harmoniously…Snoke was wrong, Luke was wrong. Light cannot exist without dark, and dark cannot exist without light. The sun shines, but there are always shadows, but if the sun were to always shine, the world would die...So night is needed. At the same time, if it were always dark, life would struggle. It could happen, but it wouldn't _thrive_. In short, the light and dark will always exist, they need each other."

It...Made a surprising amount of sense to Ben...And this ideology explained to him on how Clayton is able to be so calm yet tap into destructive rage. Everything that his master had been telling him just suddenly made sense, perfect sense, in fact. Everything that he had been struggling to grasp had just fallen into place with perfect clarity.

"Your ribs still hurt don't they?" Clayton asked, suddenly.

Ben made an affirmative but sleepy noise. The force wrapped around him had brought a calmness that he hadn't felt in years and he was loathe to do anything to disturb the peace that he felt.

"Using the force, pull it into you. Focus on you ribs, focus on them mending. The human body is a well-constructed machine, so imagine yourself repairing one."

At first, Ben is confused on what Clayton was wanting him to do, but the analogy to machinery made it click. Slowly, he directed the force inwards and felt the warmth spread along still bruised and painful ribs. It tingled at first, but the dull throb of his side and the difficulty breathing steadily faded into nothing. With the pain gone and the peace he felt, Ben was certain that he would fall asleep at any moment.

"Force healing. It's something that's commonly practice by Jedi...I was actually taught it by a Jedi master. It's a skill that's served me well. Unfortunately, due to my inclination to the dark side, it's not a skill I can use easily and usually results in more pain during the healing. However, due to your innate balance to both sides, you'll have an easier time of it."

It was both baffling and shocking to Ben to hear that his master, someone who he almost idolized at times, had difficulty in using the force. 

"I...Understand the lesson...I think, but why did you wait to teach me?" Ben asked hesitantly, as if his words would shatter the tranquility he felt.

Clayton shifted his weight slightly and was silent for a moment. It was uncharacteristic for the man to carefully weigh his words. "I'll be honest. You're the first apprentice I've ever had. For me, this is very much touch and go. I'm having to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are and make up the lessons as I go. In many cases, I'll have to change things on the fly to accommodate your emotional state. You had a bad night, and I felt that something soothing would be beneficial."

Again, it made sense to Ben. Something that tended to happen a lot now that he actually paid attention to what Clayton had to say. The fact that he has learned so much in such a small amount of time often made him regret being so shitty in the beginning and throwing Clayton's words away as foolish. He then quietly wondered how far along he'd be in his training if he'd actually listened at the start of it all. 

Clayton continued speaking after a moment. "There's also another reason. I won't always be here when you have a nightmare. I might be off at the port getting supplies, or hell, you might have gone off on your own path. You can't always rely on me being there to help you through a nightmare. As long as I'm with you, I will, don't get me wrong...But I've given you a tool to use for when I'm not."


End file.
